Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

I ate everything, including the H.

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.