Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

A duv-egg? In this economy?

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?