Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

when there are deer in the woods

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

First I was a pebble..

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.