Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

💀 😭

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

work smarter, not harder

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.