12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
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I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
choose your gary
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.