Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
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My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?