Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone