Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.