12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
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Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
doing your own taxes
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.