Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]