Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

:/

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”