Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.