Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

The old gods are rising again.

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it