12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
My zodiac sign is pistachio
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody