12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
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Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
lmfao
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete