12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
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“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
this article brought to you by lions
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Body by Oreos
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.