Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Okay this one takes it home

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding