Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

This is a sub tweet

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

Just me and my debit card against the world

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

Social distancing in Australia:

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare