12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
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ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.