12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

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Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?


If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.


*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*


“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.


me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok


Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”


Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.


“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”



I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.