12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.