Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

🤣

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor