Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.