12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
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REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to