$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
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straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Legend 🤣🤣
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this