$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
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i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
how DARE
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
🇺🇸🤭
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then