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Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
CRYING
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.