You Might Also Like
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.