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They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Sing it!
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.