You Might Also Like
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket