You Might Also Like
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I’d rather go liquor treating.
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic