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IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.