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I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.