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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti