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Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.