You Might Also Like
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”