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Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
