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One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
🧠
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Think I pulled my liver
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
🏙👨🏼
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
#Caturday
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.