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Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Never deleting this app.
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)