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(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
😭😭😭😭
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
New skill unlocked
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not