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Taco Bell, Exit 22
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Ugh
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”