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If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side