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Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.