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ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
applying for a new job
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances