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I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.