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Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*