Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

I have questions??

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….