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Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list