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The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Drive like no one is watching.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son