Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.