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Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.