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we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.