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When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.