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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
“FRAAANCE!”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.