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Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
❤️❤️❤️
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]