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ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.