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Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.