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I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
Succinctly put.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Ion see the issue
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK