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“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.