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#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
This is the best one I’ve seen
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.