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My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ