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Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not