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Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
My sex drive has a dui
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!