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Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.