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So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day