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texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem