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I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore