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My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
go easy on yourself <3
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?