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“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
My work here is don’t.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.