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[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.