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Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.