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[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
