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[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Sooo many times…..
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.