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Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Why font matters.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you