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Hmmmmmmm….
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!