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The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
